It’s become one of the most mundane activities of our generation. It was a wonderful, amazing, awe-inspiring event in the 1930s, and one people wrote people home… literally. But these days, we don’t think much about boarding an airplane, accelerating to 500 mph and cruising at 30,000 feet.
Inside our safe, pressurized metal tube, we take our places, buckle up well before the safety speech and settle in for the ride. We’re a captive audience and we try our best to just get through.
But, surely, there is something we can do to make things around us more interesting. Isn’t there anything that will cause us to stand out in the crowd and help us become the center of attention? If you follow these steps, you, too, can become a memorable story for your fellow temporary prisoners.
Wear lots of perfume or cologne. Before they see you coming, let them smell you coming. Be sure and apply twice to ensure good coverage. Dribble a bit on your clothes so the evaporation will produce an almost visible cloud of odiferous bouquet.
Put your biggest carry-on bag overhead near the front of the plane. It’s difficult to carry two bags all the way to your seat in the back. Put your heaviest one up early on. There are plenty of open spaces and you should make your deposit as early as possible. It’ll be there when you’re getting off and you won’t have to carry it as far.
Get a window seat and go the lavatory every 45 minutes. You have a right to the window. You should feel no guilt in sitting there and getting up whenever you need to. Stretching your legs is good for your circulation and you should take that walk regularly until the flight is done. Never mind if your row-mates have dozed off. All God’s creatures gotta go sometime.
When you are up, use the top of the seats to steady yourself. Airplanes ride in bumpy air. They shake, dip, rise and wiggle. The seat tops are at the perfect height so you can steady yourself and not take an embarrassing spill down the aisle. Hold on to those seats and move through as smoothly as a supermodel on the catwalk.
Wait until the person behind you has their laptop out and then recline your seat quickly. Waiting is a courtesy. The person behind you needs lots of time to get their laptop out, fit it on the tiny tray connected to the back of your seat, and find that perfect spot where they can use the keyboard and still see the screen. Give them several minutes and then you can recline. Do it quickly so change doesn’t drag the moment out.
Bring your happy child with you and call their name every 10 seconds. Children are a blessing, so share them with others. Their humorous antics, funny sayings and cute tantrums will brighten the day of your fellow man. Help others learn their name by calling them regularly. “Stillwell, angel!”
Editors Note: This is sarcasm — using extremes or opposites in order to produce irony and make a point — don’t try this yourself. You might not be able to handle the number of friends you will make — and their spirited conversation — using these techniques.